I’m Scared, You Win
Part of the Benevolent Sin Collection.
“I’m Scared, You Win” is an original single I released for Halloween 2023, joining the fictional terror of classic horror media tropes with the intimately real terror of personal trauma. To me, one of the most difficult parts of coping with trauma is the way that it turns ordinary people and places into genuine bone-chilling fears. I liken it to a classic slasher villain, always lurking in the shadows and haunting your dreams while you live in constant paranoia, never knowing where and when it’s going to come for you next.
I arranged the instrumental to sound like a pop-punk spin on a horror movie soundtrack, making distorted electronic wails clash with high-energy percussion. The jaunty, off-putting rhythms throughout add to the idea of a strange and unknowable evil. I used dynamic shifts between sections to create unique variations on a common motif, blending genres and tones to immerse the audience in a journey of horror and distress.
“I don’t want them in my life, I put my life on stream.
Trauma logged on Spotify so you can’t lie about me.
Feeling like I could die twice.
Ice in my eyes.
Remember knives in my wrist.”
Lyrically, the track is a breakdown of a life lived in constant fear. It’s a story of how traumatic memories have shaped me, making me jaded and paranoid, but also resilient and uncompromising in my code of honor. The first section is a retelling of a brief yet devastating relationship with an abusive ex-girlfriend. I share my conflicting feelings throughout the experience, having a strange and self-destructive allure for her cruelty and indifference. I expand on this particular story much further in my sophomore album, Colby <3.
The second section is a deep dive into manipulation and gaslighting, as I put my full trust in the worst kinds of people at the start of my undergraduate career. After months of lies and deception, I found myself alone with a painful newfound clarity of exactly what had been happening to me behind my back. The experience left me hopeless and filled with vengeful rage that I struggled to vent constructively. This is one of a few points that complicate the horror narrative of the song. Yes, the people who have traumatized me do scare me immensely, but the unbridled hatred they make me feel almost scares me more. In a society that teaches us that anger is violence, I feel the violence that’s been done unto me turning me into a monster.
“Can’t catch my breath when I step outside cause your hate’s a strangler.
I think I’m most scared of myself when I display my anger.”
The track ends with a trauma that’s much closer to home: transphobia within my own family. I express my anger and indignation towards those who have chosen to judge and neglect me when I needed their support the most. This final moment is a much more defiant approach to the theme, with me touting my remarkable success and unbreaking pride in the face of a lifetime of tragic and completely unfair setbacks.
Fear is a regrettably common emotion in my day-to-day life. I live within a system engineered to make me afraid and powerless. And to a certain extent, they’ve won. I’m scared of the people who have hurt me and the people who may go on to hurt me in the future. I’m even scared of myself at times when I lose control of my emotions. But I refuse to be powerless, and I refuse to let my traumatic past dictate my future.
“I’m Scared, You Win” cover art, graphic design
